Things I’ve learnt in 2019.
… I’ve been on a JOURNEY!
Okay, so the year isn’t over … yet, but I’ve learnt a few things this year – more than a few, and I wanted to reflect on some of them.
I’m aware that for a ‘sexuality blog’ my posts aren’t exactly sex-based at the moment but that’s because I’m reading a lot of self-help books. It started a couple of weeks ago, and I’m in deep. I am trying to find my way through instead of just out, which involves a lot of blogging about feels apparently!
Speaking of feels, here are some things I’ve learnt in 2019.
My body us going through a LOT, and I need to be kinder to it.
Watching documentaries about the human body has really helped me become nicer to my own body. The human body is complicated, and if I’ve started to forgive myself for mucking up, why can’t I forgive my body?
With a special 3D microscope, scientists can see a 1/100,000th image of a grain of sand, and when applied to the body it is spellbinding. How amazing is the human body! There are so many systems happening all at the same time so of course, signals are going to get crossed occasionally!
I still have my moments when I ‘hate’ my body, but I’m working on them.
I can stand up for myself, and I can set boundaries.
I stood up to my mother for the first time in years, and I did not back down. It was scary as hell, but I’ve never felt prouder of myself. It all kind of crumbled within a few minutes, but I did it.
It’s been important to realise that boundaries are a big thing for me, and 2020 will very much be spent working on those boundaries.
I need to stop masturbating.
This point was originally a part of this post; however, it became such a long section that I turned it into a separate post. It’s still very much relevant here, and I can say a day after writing about it I feel more chill, and more convinced it’s the right decision for me.
Sex toy companies don’t seem to be learning anything.
It seems that no matter how many toys people collectively review, or what year were in, sex toy companies will make toys the way they’ve always been made. Even when a toy is meant to be accessible it is anything but.
I don’t know why I expected more from companies that mostly care about their bottom line. I know there are some exceptions, and I know we’ve still got a long way to go, but some companies feel like they’re not even trying. I think that is what gets to me the most.
Presents aren’t everything, people are.
Don’t get me wrong I enjoy receiving useful and thoughtful gifts. I also love giving people gifts, and I love spoiling someone, but when I do it’s usually via a wish list, or it’s something they’ve explicitly asked for.
My feelings get a bit mixed up because I was brought with the understanding that gifts equal love, and it was common for my parents to try to buy my affection in various ways. Christmas was always a big ‘I’ve brought you all these things, oh and these are the prices so I can show you how much I love you!’ type of holiday. Since meeting my partner I’ve slowly been unlearning that mentality, and instead of going for more of an ‘I’ve got a few small gifts I think you’ll really like, and let’s spend time together’ mentality. It’s really nice and relaxing.
Venturing out into town, and a few Netflix documentaries really drove the point home that we have been trained to buy, trained to show affection and love through material things even though its actions we generally remember most, not things. This isn’t to say gifts aren’t great when there’s thought put into them, but they’re not everything.
Looking back all of this feels really obvious, and I feel silly it took this long to understand, but in the spirit of being kinder to myself, I’ve been unlearning some really toxic thought patterns, and beliefs recently. So, next year I’m going to try to buy less, give conscientiously and give more love to the people I know through ‘non-traditional’ means.
If you don’t mind sharing, what have you learnt this year?